My Dear Friend in Heaven

Today we had our 11 yr old Dalmatian, Roxanne, put to sleep. She was our first child. We’ve had her all of our married years plus one. She had been ill for some time and over the weekend I came to see that her time here, living happy and comfortable was over. They gave her a sedative first and she just went limp within two minutes. The vet said her kidneys weren’t functioning properly since she relaxed so quickly. It was over very quickly; I was grateful. I had known it needed to be done and after it was over I was more confident of my decision. She is gone and I will miss her so much. I will miss her as she was so many months ago.

This morning, first thing, I called a friend at work. I work next door to a teaching hospital and the vet there offered to help out for free. I had explained to DD before we left that today Roxanne would be going to heaven. I thought it would be a good idea to prepare her (I don’t like surprises myself). I’ve talked to her about some of her relatives who are deceased so she had some idea of heaven already. “So she’s going to die?”, she said. “Yes” I told her. This did not seem to faze her so much in the beginning. I wanted her to be able to say goodbye. She’s known Roxanne her whole life. It’s only fair. So we bundled everyone up and headed into Berkeley. When we got there, the girls and I went to the back of the truck and gave Roxanne our goodbyes. We pet her and gave her a hug. I told DD that we would not get to see Rox again, that Mommy’s friend was coming to help Roxanne get to heaven. This was her last chance to say goodbye. Then we went inside. Z Guy stayed with Roxanne. Once inside, a few of my friends came to help me keep the girls busy. DD asked if Roxanne was gone yet. I say no, not yet. Then she got upset when I wouldn’t let her go back out to see her. She doesn’t get hysterical, just fussy. (I felt it was necessary to be firm since I’d already told her that she had had to say her last goodbye at the back of the truck. I didn’t want her to think she might always be able to go back when you can’t) Finally when it was time to go, she wanted to know where heaven was and where Roxanne was and if heaven was over behind that building over there. We explained to her as best we could over and over. We explained to her that our friend’s dog who died last month was so excited that she was getting a new friend to play with. We told her that her Grandpa Ken was up in heaven and playing with Roxanne. We told her that Roxanne could now run and jump and play, something she hasn’t been able to do for months. Then DD got quiet. I think she was just digesting all the info. We were very careful to not use the word sleep in any of our descriptions for fear that she would be afraid to sleep.

We went to see my brother for lunch - to put a break in the day. I thought it would help DD (and me to). She was so excited to see her uncle. She told him only once that her dog had died today and gone to heaven. Then that was it. Time for play. Running wild through his place of work. I thought perhaps this morning’s events were put away.

However, within minutes of getting back in the truck and heading home the questions began again. Why can’t we go to heaven? Where is it? Can Roxanne come back to see me? Why not? Why, why, why? Do I get to go to heaven when I die? Will I see Roxanne when I die? (whoa – pretty heavy stuff for mom to handle even though I know she’s just trying to understand it all) Throughout the evening similar questions continued to pop up. When I put her to bed, I told her to dream of Roxanne and to be sure and give her a hug and tell her that she is loved. DD looks up at me with big brown eyes, smiling, and says, “I will get to see her when I die, right”. “Yes”, I say, “but that’s not for a long time. Right now, just dream of her.”

It's so funny, throughout the day I had so much that I wanted to write and now, when all is quiet in the house, it won’t come to me. Most of my family and friends have been contacted and have sent their condolences. I should say that as a family, we do actively practice any particular religion. I feel bad about needing the concept of heaven when I don’t feel that I need other aspects of religion in my life. It is a crutch, but one that I grab for the sake of my daughter and her feelings which are so fragile.