April Rain Song - Poetry Friday

At it has been raining here for days and is expected to over the next several, I am posting a poem I found about rain.

Let the rain kiss you.
Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops.
Let the rain sing you a lullaby.

The rain makes still pools on the sidewalk.
The rain makes running pools in the gutter.
The rain plays a little sleep-song on our roof at night ---

And I love the rain.


Langston Hughes (1902-1967)

I'm Bad to the Bone

Greed:	Very High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Very High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Low

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

Silly Baby

AB has one new tooth and another coming in soon - both upper incisors. She has been fusier than usual of late. She was up almost two hours last night crying for 2-3 minutes, sleeping for 5 minutes then waking up and starting all over again. Tylenol and orajel did not help. I'm afraid to say that she just had to wear herself out. Hopefully we will get back to the point where she will sleep through the night. It has been weeks since she was content enough to do that.

She has also begun throwing temper tantrums. She will toss herself forward or backward when she is upset. Often this causes her to bonk her head on something like the bed frame, her sister's head or most usually the floor. Now she really has something to cry about. She's also taken to rolling sideways and has found herself under the bed more than once. A place she does not want to be.

On a positive note, AB is almost walking. She will tentatively walk all over the house if someone supports her under the arms. Last night Z Guy held only one hand and guided her through the living room and into the bedroom. She can also stand by herself for a moment or two before tetering over. She's growing fast. Her first birthday is Sunday.

Conversation at dinner:

Z Guy: Well, It's good to dreams.

BBB: Yes dear, It's good to have dreams.

DD: It's bad to have germs!

Friends

Several weeks ago, a friend from college, K, who I met through my sorority recently contacted me. She found my email address at Classmates.com. She has five children and the oldest is 15 years old. I can't believe how old I am and how much time has gone by. It was nice to hear from her and say hello. It made me miss my other friends from that time whom I've lost touch with.

I decided to try and contact two other sorority sisters that I hung out with the most in college. One of them, L, was my best friend. We lived together for several years while we were in school. The other, S, was her 'Little Sister'. I looked for S online and am pretty sure I found her blog. I sent her a short email that said Hi and if this is the right S from X college, I'd love to hear from you. I haven’t received a response and that was over two weeks ago. I had hoped to hear from her but, it's okay. S was always pretty finicky. I last saw her almost 8 years ago. She was never one to look back and reminisce.

I had kept up with L on a fairly regular basis after college. People always thought we looked like sisters, a complement we were both tickled to get. She and I went to separate cities after college then she moved out of state with her new husband. The time between talking and cards became longer and longer. I think they were in their 3rd state in the same number of years when Z guy and I moved to California. She had her first daughter that same year – 10 years ago this summer. We tried to talk often as possible. Her husband was a real jerk in my opinion and so many times she’d call me crying. Almost 4 years ago (1.5 years after the birth of her second daughter) I noticed that our phone conversations were becoming repetitive. We spoke so infrequently that I thought maybe she just didn’t remember what we’d talked about the last time. The fourth time the same story came up, I told her gently that she’d already told me the story of daughter number two and the priest at church and yes, she’d mentioned the story of daughter number one and grandma in heaven. She said she was sorry and then the conversation ended abruptly. Three weeks later, her husband left her. She was so devastated, quiet and withdrawn. I chocked it up to the circumstances. Boy was I wrong and right all at the same time. I didn’t hear from her for over two months (and guiltily, I didn’t realize it, I was wrapped up in my first pregnancy – a very happy time for me). I got a call in November from her sister. They had taken L to the hospital for severe depression. She had totally shut down. She wasn’t eating, dressing herself or taking care of her girls (she’d been a stay at home mom). Her sister wanted to know if I knew of something that might have caused this. I think they expected that her husband might have done something to her (something worse than the emotional abuse he inflicted on her daily). If it happened, she did not share it with me. In December her husband petitioned and won custody of their children. L didn’t fight it which I just couldn’t understand. I spoke to her a several times over the next year. She was progressively worse each time I talked to her. The last time, she was mad because her mom made her talk to me on the phone and tell me that she’d eaten some cheese pizza. I did not call her again. I didn’t think I was helping. It seemed to really upset her mom when I would call. Not that I was calling, but because L still wasn’t well. Her mom took time off from her job and they were going to try giving L some different medication. If that did not help, she was going to have to be permanently hospitalized. That year, I had my first child, I lost my dad to cancer and I lost my best friend to apparent schizophrenia (the doctors were never sure exactly what was wrong with her and why she just shut down).

That was about two years ago. After K contacted me, I thought about calling L’s mom to see how she was doing. I was afraid of opening old wounds. I assumed things had not gotten better since I hadn’t heard anything. So rather than call, I sent her sister an email. I wrote that I did not need a response but that I just wanted them to know that I still think about L and her family quite often and hope that everyone is well. I did not receive a response. I wish I had but I suppose that by not keeping in touch, I forfeited the right to hear updates. I’m not sure what I would have done with the information. I do miss L terribly. She had two girls and now I have two. We always had a lot in common and would have had a great deal to share as we grew into old ladies, had the fates been kind I suppose.

Whooo hooooo!

A Bit Of Both You are 40% Calvin and 60% Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes, like a scruffy yin and yang, are in perfect balance within you. Like Calvin, you're weird, a bit insecure, and can be a trouble-maker. But like Hobbes, you're down to earth and sensitive. It's a risk to say it here, after just a ten question test, but I'll bet you're smarter than most. Both Calvin and Hobbes are crafty, clever characters, and any one made from equal parts of each is a force to be reckoned with.

Link: The Calvin Or Hobbes Test written by gwendolynbooks on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Who Am I?

Independent Visionary

I love these things. Rarely however do I learn something new. Saw this over at Overread's place.

Where Have You Been? Sick Baby...

I've been busy this past week. Not only is Z guy out of town, but little AB is sick. Not terribly sick, not at death's door or anything like that but it wears you out nonetheless. She has a croupy cough with lots of mucous. I took both Wednesday and Thursday off from work because she was running a fever those days. On Wednesday I took her to the doctor but they could not find anything really wrong with her. They gave me a prescription for albuterol for her wheezy coughing. She hates the medicine and it doesn’t seem to improve her breathing or cease her coughing. She hasn't wanted to eat anything for five days although she has taken at least half a bottle when I've offered it to her but it has to be milk, not juice or water. She is actually sounding and acting a little more like herself today even though she’s still running a fever. Her nose has started to run green I’m afraid and I may have to take her to the doctor again if that doesn’t clear up.

She’s quite the fussy one compared to DD who really takes everything in stride. I think that is the primary reason that I’m worn out. She is just so uncomfortable that she cries and cries. She needs to be held but then so does DD. Funny how they seem to need me at the same time. AB has slept only three hours straight in the last few days and with a little help from me, she’s back to sleep within 30 minutes or so. I look forward to the full night of sleep I hope to get in the next few days.

I’m very grateful that Z guy will be home tonight. I missed him and I missed his help. I missed having some ‘me’ time. This week was good prep for me though since he’s going to be gone again next month for another out of town meeting. I wish the grandparents were closer but I’d probably rely on them too much.

Sage at Three

Last night DD and I were in another room making a tent out of some blankets and pillows when we heard a crash followed by loud crying. AB had pulled herself up on the paper shredder but it, being top heavy, had fallen over on her. The shredder part, which is very heavy, had hit her in the face. When I got closer, I saw blood in her mouth. I began to freak out a bit. I didn't know if she'd broken a tooth or worse. She was howling and wouldn't let me get a good look in her mouth. I was dabbing her mouth with a towel to see if I could find the source of the endless amounts of blood. I called Z guy and told him I might have to go to the hospital - like I said, I was freaking out. Then DD calmly said, "Mama, Mama, remember when x-boy pushed me down at school and I got a cut on my mouth? The teacher gave me some ice. Maybe AB would like some ice too." "Did it make you feel better?” I said. She said yes and went on to explain how she needed some ice now too, and a towel, and can she look at sister's mouth, etc. In that one moment, I calmed down and realized it probably wasn't that bad. The ice soothed AB almost immediately. The bleeding ceased and I found a small tooth-shaped split on the inside of her upper lip. The single upper fang that she has likely caused this small hole that bled like it was ten times larger. (Z guy has been calling her Fang} I am grateful that AB is going to be okay and I know this will be only the beginning of little cuts and scraps for her. I am very happy though that DD appears to have begun her journey as a wise woman. Now, if I can just keep from messing that up. (She already gets a little freaked by spiders, but we come by that naturally – thanks Grandma!)

Poetry Friday

Here we are again on poetry Friday. Rather than post one of my Dad's poems, I looked around for a poem that I liked. I liked this one by Audre Lorde. My inner fears often stop me from acting but I'm working on that.

A LITANY FOR SURVIVAL
For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive

- Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn

A Good Day

DD helped me make lunch today. We had shells and cheese with peas and peaches. She wasn't too interested in eating until I gave her the option to help make the food. Then she picked out the main course. She is a very good helper. She even had seconds after she'd finished her meal. She surprises me because she prefers to eat frozen peas and uncooked shells if given the choice.

Even little AB had some of the shells. She is much more interested in feeding herself than being fed so when I can, I give her things off of my plate.

AB is becoming more confident with her standing and walking skills. She moves around the edges of furniture mostly. Sometimes DD likes to pick her up and move her around very much like Olivia picks up her cat Edwin and moves him around. So far AB doesn't seem to mind.

At naptime, DD asked me to 'cross my arms' after she picked out two stories to read. I tried several variations of crossed arms before I got it to her satisfaction. The right configuration was making a ring with my arms, upon which she said 'that's it, good job mama' and crawled up inside them. Then we read 'When you give a Moose a Muffin' and 'Counting Kisses'.

Oh, and we mixed 4 colors of playdough together. Yeah! sigh...

Rainy Morning Drive

Here are three albums, perfect for the mood of a dark, cold, rainy morning drive.

A-ha, Scoundrel Days - Listen to: I've Been Losing You, October & Manhattan Skyline



Arcadia, So Red the Rose - Listen to: Missing, The Promise & Lady Ice



Loreena McKennitt, The Mask & Mirror - Listen to: Marrakesh's Night Market, Full Circle & Ce He Mise le Ulaingt? (The Two Trees)



Set your ipod to shuffle and enjoy...

An Evening to Ourselves

We had a very nice evening last friday on our anniversay. Our children stayed with a neighbor and we went to our favorite mexican place. I had a margarita in my hand within minutes of getting through the door. It nearly knocked me on my socks but it was sooooo good. Z guy had his standard, Verde Enchiladas with extra tomatillo sauce. I had beef Flautas. We ate lots of chips and salsa, barely finished our dinner and headed home for some much needed "private time". It was great. We're going to have to start devoting more time to us again.

Yep, We've been together for 14 years and married for 10 of them. The funny thing is that I would never recommend that anyone stay together if they met like we did. It was not destined for success yet, somehow it works.

I first met Z guy when we both worked at McDonald's in our small hometown. It was a brand new store, the second in town (now I think there are three or four). I thought he was cute. He had a fast 280zx that he raced at the SCCA tracks. He was such a hot shot. We had mutual friends and would see each other at parties and out at the local pool hall, Skully's. One time he drove me home from one of the parties and we ended up getting very close. I thought it was going somewhere but the next day, no call. All week I waited for a call (why didn't I call). Then I acted immature (I was 16) and told all our mutual friends that he had mistreated me and some of them decided to ally with me and he was outcast from the group - it didn't really make that much of a difference to him. He had bigger plans. He and I went our separate ways and didn’t interact for several years.

Seven years later, we are in the same geometry class at college one summer. I didn’t talk to him because I was still hurt by the way he had treated me. He had changed quite a bit. He was heavier and quieter but still a bit of a snob.

About one year later, I decided to try to find Z guy and apologize for the way I’d hurt him in high school (hahaha, if I’d only known that he didn’t remember at all). It happened one evening after I’d hung up the phone with my then boyfriend/fiancé. The ex had made me angry for the umpteenth time. We had been living in separate states for years and finally when he is only now in the next town, only an hour away, I thought we’d be spending more time together. I had asked him if he’d like me to drive down to see him but he said no, he was just going to play some video games and stay home. There was no need for me to come down. Well, excuse me! This was at least the fifth time that video games had taken precedent over me and I’d had it. I told him that he could call me when he wasn’t busy anymore. I hung up the phone, picked up a pack of smokes, made myself a rum and coke and began my pity party.

I ended up calling all three of my previous ex’s just to ‘see how they were doing’. The first was happy to hear from me and we just chatted a bit. The second guy was a little freaked out-rightfully. Then there was Z guy. He wasn’t really an ex but I felt that I’d wronged him long ago so I needed/wanted to apologize. I knew he was a frat boy (he’d worn the frat hat in class every day) so I called the house and asked to speak to him. The pledge who answered the phone told me that he didn’t live there anymore but gave me a number where I could reach him. When Z guy answered the phone, he didn’t recognize my voice. I’m almost certain that my voice was slurring and I think he was intrigued-the scoundrel. He didn’t remember that I had tried to hurt him in high school – darn, I was such a fool! I found out that he worked at the computer center at the university. I had just purchased a new computer. Would he like to come by and see it? But, of course!

Well, that was the beginning. We’ve not been apart since except for the four months when he moved to CA for a dotcom job. I was still finishing some research work at the university and couldn't go with him. We married during that four months and I moved to CA. Z guy has been very good to and for me. I quit smoking after we got together. He dared me no less, and I had to win that bet. We have two of the most beautiful children I’ve ever seen. He is my best friend and I’m so lucky that we had a second chance.

[Previous ex didn’t notice that I hadn’t called him for almost two weeks. But by then, it was too late, I’d moved on. Last I heard, he was not doing so well.]

I Swear, I Just Turned Away For A Minute

This is a picture from the second event. Apparently the dirt surrounding the ficus is just too good to pass up [I should point out that this is our only plant at her level]. Since this picture was taken a few days ago, AB has been back no fewer than three times. We've been firm and stern with her but the draw is too intense. It is really kindof cute and funny, but I don't want her to know that.

Sharing

DD: Momma, I want some crackers, some veggie crackers.

BBB: Okay. It is about time for a snack. Now, if I give you some, you need to share with AB - got it? [I put ~10 crackers in a small bowl and off she goes into the Den]

As heard in other room...

DD: AB, look what I got for you...your favorite...VEGGIE crackers!

BBB: [smiling - do I dare hope that this sisterly love will last]

I Love SciFi

As seen on Geeky Mom

You scored as Babylon 5 (Babylon 5). The universe is erupting into war and your government picks the wrong side. How much worse could things get? It doesn't matter, because no matter what you have your friends and you'll do the right thing. In the end that will be all that matters. Now if only the Psi Cops would leave you alone. Moya (Farscape) 81% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 81% Serenity (Firefly) 81% SG-1 (Stargate) 81% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 69% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 56% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 50% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 50% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 44% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 44% Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 44% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 19% Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? created with QuizFarm.com

Is It Still Winter?

The sun is shinning, it is a warm afternoon and a gentle spring-like rain is falling at this very moment. A hummingbird has built her nest on a windchime on my front porch. My babies have taken very long naps this afternoon and I've gotten scads of things done that had been sitting in the to-do pile. It is my 10th wedding anniversary. Z guy and I are going out to our favorite mexican restaurant and may pick up a movie for some quality alone time while our girls are being watched by a friend. My how the tides have turned.

And - to everyone who posted comments to the Blahs - I am feeling more sure of myself now and that is due in part to all your support - so thanks!

[seeking comments from photographers on how to catch the rain, digitally, on days like these]

Poetry Friday

I'm Still Waiting...

Holding on like a kitten
Stuck in a tree
Hoping your feelings
Will come back for me

And it hurts sometimes...

I feel all alone
Like nobody cares
About to let go
Cause it doesn't seem fair

But somehow I manage

To keep standing tall
Still feeling alone
And still holding on

I think its because

My love is really true
And I'll never let go
Til I become a part

of You KH 5-88